Randy is a Dumbass (Tim and Pete's 10 reasons why) Part 1

1. He is too lazy to comb his own hair.
2. He thinks his bed head hair is a hair style.
3. His bedroom looks like it's been ransacked by the police.
4. He is excited that the McRib is back!
5. He thinks G.I. Joe is the best movie since Transformers 2

BTW Randy was present when we came up with this.

The Argument

Here's a little exchange that I found kinda funny. it illustrates how much Randy likes to argue. This isn't one of Randy's fantasy adventure stories, sorry. These quotes may have happened, not quite all at once I've taken a little license there, but the spirit of the argument is the maintained.

Randy: "Modern Warfare 2 is the best game ever. I don't like Halo, I only like games where I can see my character."
Pete: "you can't see yourself on Modern Warfare 2 its a first person shooter."
Randy: "what are you TALKING about...I can see my gun."
Pete: "You can see your gun on Halo"
Randy: "I don't play Halo so I wouldn't know"

I'll leave it there. You should be able to find this funny without being a gamer, but it might help. I wasn't arguing that HALO was better than MW2 because it's not, I was just trying to say that his logic for not liking HALO was shoddy.

Rumble in the Jungle's 35th anniversary

Watching some classic ESPN tonight I had recorded via DVR (thank you, God!) I had an interesting realization: my dad, who was an immense fan of Muhammad Ali aka "The Greatest," was about 24 years old when the Rumble in the Jungle between Ali and George Foreman happened in 1974. Here was a man (Ali) who talked huge and fought ever-larger. The Congolese in Zaire ADORED Ali, and during the fight they were vocal about each strike, however perceptible, to Foreman's dome. They wanted Ali to kill George Foreman. How much of this affected my Dad is certainly unknown, though I can guess: if this American man could somehow win the affections of a whole nation against another equally talented American man in a contest of strength, it deserved thought and perhaps even some great consideration.
For me at least, I remember three things about this fight the very first time I saw it: George Foreman at one time in his life looked Pretty Mean! The image of him hawking his wares belied the fact that he at one time really was a beast. Though his grills are no slouches, he in his prime was machine-like. I'll never forget how Ali used that fact to his advantage: the way Ali made it seem like he was losing and then finally strike his adversary like uncoiled cobras was pure mastery. But the thing that really makes me think is this question: once the cultural icons of our youth have passed on into selling stuff on infomercials and commercials, does that mean that we too have passed into old age? If it matters at all to ask the question, have we then lost it, what does it mean?
I wonder what my dad thought of when he saw Ali send Foreman to the canvas. That man who had fought only two rounds for most of his fights because he had knocked out the opposition so quickly. Though Foreman was mean and strong, the most important factor was that Ali was quick, quicker to deflect all blows to his head by shrugging off Foreman's powerful punches, thereby letting the champ tire himself out.

ROPE A DOPE!

I don't quite know where I was going with this but that I started writing a couple of weeks ago after watching the replay of the fight. I conclude that

1) Sports TV has come way too far and how much farther can it go? I wonder
2) Muhammad Ali is one of the closest things to Jesus we have on the planet.
3) George Foreman grills aint nothin to Fuck With.

The Zombie Catfish...a TRUE story for Halloween

The last thing we had to do before being officially moved out of the apartment was to move our aquarium. Moving an aquarium is never a pleasant task. We have a 29 gallon tank, and to move it we have to empty it down to about an inch of water with the fish still in it. Its still weighs about 100 pounds at that point, but its manageable. There's one thing that makes moving the aquarium a little bit more tricky than normal. I have this elusive little catfish that is now on his third aquarium. He outlives everyone. The problem with this guy is that he basically spends all day hiding in a log and only comes out at night or in the early morning. I go for months without seeing him. But I assume that if he died he would finally float to the surface so I don't really worry about him. So when I go to empty the tank, I pull his log out very slowly, jostle it a bit in the hopes that he'll swim out. He doesn't. I pull the log a little farther out and still nothing. there is no flapping or flopping in the part of the log that's out of the water. I figure he must have swam for cover and I just missed it, so I take the whole log out and look into all the cracks and crevices and listen for any signs of struggle and nothing. So I put the now air exposed log in the sink and do a visual inspection for the catfish. He's nowhere to be seen. I have seen him move quite a bit of aquarium rock so I start sifting the rocks with my hand to make sure he's still among the living. Believe me when I say, I sifted every inch of that aquarium and there was no fish to be found below the surface. I do a cursory search of the floor around the aquarium to make sure he hasn't pulled a Nemo and is heading for the nearest drain. Still nothing. At this point I'm resigned to the fact that Lauri's son of a bitch cannibal Angel fish devoured my 10 year old catfish like every other fish we try to put in there. Usually we find the skeleton, but Lauri had just changed the filter so I figured the bones got sucked in. Or that son of a bitch couldn't help himself and ate the bones too.
When Lauri showed up to help me, I gave her both the news and a strong admonition about that god damn cannibal fish killing the old wise man of the aquarium. Lauri however refused to believe that the cat fish could just disappear with out any physical evidence being left behind. She needed to see the body. So she went to the log, now in the sink and practically dry and inspected the nooks and crannies just like I had. We even ran it under the tap to try and flush him out on the off chance we couldn't see him. No luck. Lauri resigned herself...sort of.
Anyway, we took our time after that, taking apart all the equipment, gathering up random stuff from around the apartment and loading the aquarium accessories into the back of my truck. We drove to the house got everything set up. no sign of said catfish. End of story.

Until...

Lauri comes running into the bedroom this morning as I'm getting ready for work and says, "your catfish is alive and he's out eating" I couldn't believe it but there he was.
There is only one explanation for this. I sifted through every pebble of that aquarium and that log was out of the water for at least 45 minutes.
I once knew a fish that survived a double flushing, an impaling by a kebab skewer, and 3 months under the kitchen sink with no food in a tupperware bowl. The same fish went on to decimate my aquarium when I brought him home from Tim's.
But I cannot conceive of my catfish or any other fish surviving out of water for that long.
Here is the only explanation I can think of. My fish was raised from the dead in some voodoo ritual and is in fact undead. A Zombie. A Zombie Fish.

Randy Strikes Again

Randy tried to piss in my eye tonight because I suggested that he take nap AT work rather than having to take nap AFTER work. We were sitting in my backyard and he was kibbitzing about not being able to take a nap before going out on Saturday and I said "just take a nap at work." He said, "How would you like it if I pissed in your eye right now?" And I was like "What? Just cuz I said you should take a nap at work?"
"That's it!", he says, and the dude stands up on his chair, unzips his fly and start to whip it out, I start to say, "I don't know what impression I gave you but I'm not gonna suck tha..." but before I could finish the dude start urinating! Fortunately, I have the reflexes of a cat and got out of the way before the stream caught me in the face. I don't what about sleeping at work got Randy so riled up but I'll never suggest that again.
He calmed down later and I made him clean the piss off my/his table.

Star Wars used to be good

Have I ever told you guys that I'm a bit of a Star Wars fan? Well I am. So I'm home on a Friday night and it's the premier of the new season of the Clone Wars series on Cartoon Network. Having little better to do, I record and watch it. I've seen snippets before, and I promise I ALWAYS try to go in with a fresh perspective. But there are just so many problems with the whole concept of the only new Star Wars stuff focusing on the Clone Wars. Here are but a few: The "good guys" in the Clone Wars turn out to be the bad guys in, lets call it, Classic Star Wars. Clone Warriors become Storm Troopers, Anakin becomes Vader, Republic officers and pilots become Imperial officers and pilots. They even wear uniforms that look like Imperial uniforms.So, how are any of these characters sympathetic? Why isn't there one character that questions where the Republic is going? What is the goal of the "droid army" or the "Trade Federation" its never made clear except for the fact that they keep trying to take over planets? None of the Jedi's seem to be able to discern that there is something wrong with Palpatine. I know Lucas thinks he took care of that with that 30 second conversation between Mace Windu and Yoda in the Attack of the Clones (God what a stupid title) movie, but really? All the Jedi's in the galaxy and no one can tell Palpatine is a bad guy? They call the bad guys "separtists" isn't that kinda like "rebel"? Weren't we rooting for the Rebels? In 30 years the mythology completely changed philosophy, once it was admirable to rebel against a corrupt system of government, now its admirable to defend it. And worst yet all the old leaders from the classics have become complicit, Yoda, obi wan kenobi are made to carry out the machinations of the emporer. Weak. Super Weak.
The biggest point of contention for me is that there are so many more interesting stories to be told when it comes to Star Wars. Like ummm, the Rebellion. Presumably the Rebellion was goin on for some time before Luke came on the scene, why not show some of those stories? I know these ones are supposed to be for kids, but Classic Star Wars was good when I was a kid and its good now. It would be cool if the current custodians of the Star Wars mythos had the longevity of saga in mind.

I got a root canal. and it was okay

I am writing this at 3:15am because I can't sleep. I am writing this on my new laptop. The "H" key comes loose from time to time but it snaps back in. I ordered it online and don't want to go to the trouble of sending it back because of the "H" key. The sound card on this laptop must be amazing because I'm listening to The Postal Service on iTunes and they've never sounded so good. I have my Bose headphones on and I would swear that I'm listening to ambient sound. Amazing how even so so music can sound really good when it sounds really good. I had a root canal finished on monday but my gums are all swollen again. I'm going to call the dentist tomorrow and if there was some mistake made I'm going to be pissed off. This is my second root canal now and it seemed slap hazard compared to the last one. Those of you who know me, know that I hold dentistry in particularly low regard. Aside from the fact that it makes me panic in ways that, say, a bear encounter wouldn't; you have to understand that the science of dentistry has not changed much since the old west (have I discussed this in this venue before?) The only treatment for a bad tooth is still to drill the shit out of it and fill it with poisonous metals. The only thing that has improved is the anesthetic. Which, by the way, the dentist I went to didn't use on the second part of the root canal. It didn't hurt though. I did take exception to the fact that Judge Judy was on in the "operating room". Then there was the part of the procedure where the dentist called for "flame" and the dental assistant fired up a portable Bunsen burner and the dentist heated some poking tool and applied it to my tooth. I definitely didn't remember that part from the last root canal.
I worked until 10:30pm tonight and am due back at 8am. I'm not really worried though. At least it means I'll be outta there by 5.
Today is officially Randy's birthday, we are going bowling tonight. That should be fun.
I've been re-reading A Walk in the Woods by Bill Bryson. It's about how the author decides to hike the Appalachian Trail. After reading the first few chapters again I tried to convince Randy to quit his job and hike the AT with me but he said "no" because he "doesn't enjoy physical excersion." I can't argue with that, just tonight I asked him to go online and he said no because the laptop was in his bedroom and he was in the living room. I called him a "lazy fuck shit" He didn't seem to like that much.
Now I'm listening to INXS Don't Change. Its one of only a handful of songs I like from the 80's. Here's a listing of the rest:
Melt with You by Modern English
99 Red Balloons by Nena (I like the English version)
Time After Time by Cindy Lauper
Ordinary World by Duran Duran
Everyone Wants to Rule the World by Tears for Fears

pretty much the rest of that decade can go and fuck itself.